


The Pain That You Feel Can Only Heal By Living

by Visionsofdazzlingrooms



Series: Some Things You Just Can’t Speak About [9]
Category: blue bloods
Genre: F/M, I’m really terrible to these two, Pills, Poor Danny, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, dont read if you’ve had suicidal thoughts, gun - Freeform, please skip if you have suicidal thoughts, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:48:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26630890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Visionsofdazzlingrooms/pseuds/Visionsofdazzlingrooms
Summary: Danny Reagan’s hit an all time low in his life, and he sees only one way out. Will he take that road, or will someone stop him?*trigger warning inside. Please tread carefully*
Relationships: Danny Reagan/Linda Reagan
Series: Some Things You Just Can’t Speak About [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1899769
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	The Pain That You Feel Can Only Heal By Living

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I’m saying it here in the beginning. First off, I’ve never had suicidal thoughts, so I apologize if I’m doing it wrong and thereby offending anyone. I never intend to offend. Second, if this topic makes you uncomfortable, please, please, PLEASE skip this installment. You are not forced to read something that might trigger you to take your life. I can’t stress this enough, PLEASE take care of yourself first and foremost

Danny stares at the small white bottle in his hand. He stares and stares and stares at it, thinking, contemplating, wondering. 

*How many are lethal? Liver damage can kill you, right? Maybe I should just drink my way to death instead. Do I want pain?*

He shakes his head hard, banishing those thoughts. He can't think like that, he just can't. But he does, every day he is thinking about it. Every day he has it planned, but every day his wife smiles at him, and kisses him, and makes him feel alright. So every day he doesn’t go through with his plans. 

He puts the pill bottle away, after deciding he can live if someone finds him quick enough. No, he needs a fool proof plan. A quick, easy, dead-set plan that has no loop holes, no leaks, no see-footnote-ones. 

He turns his head when he hears a car door slam; Linda must be home. She will make him feel good again, but only for a while. He decides he needs to do it when she isn't around to stop him.

***********

*I could jump off a bridge*, Danny thinks that night as he lays in bed awake. *No, someone would call the police.. I could hang myself- but how? I could get some rope and-*

His train of thought is interrupted by the warm touch of his wife's skin against his. Her head rests on his chest, listening to my heart beat. Her hand rests on his shoulder and she sighs contently. 

He closes his eyes and heaves a sigh. Why is Linda making a simple, no-questions-asked plan so difficult? He has thought about her a lot, about how she'd feel if he really did off himself. He comes to the conclusion she'd be better off without him- who'd want to be married to a suicidal maniac anyways?

He doesn’t sleep that night, but vows he’ll cross over to the other world tomorrow.

************** 

He kisses Linda goodbye the next morning, wishing she'd get out of the house so he can go through with the plan. 

"Are you sure you're fine here?" She gets into the car, "I know you have been the last few days, but-" 

"Linda, I'm fine. Go to work."

She frowns at his annoyed tone, but hesitantly agrees. "Okay.... call me if you need anything."

"I will." He kisses her like he’ll never see her again. It’s long, hard, and desperate. He runs his tongue over hers, tasting the coffee and Cinnamon Toast Crunch she ate for breakfast. He kisses her so that she doesn't know who's air she is breathing; He kisses her till both their breaths become shallow. 

Linda's eyes are somewhere between surprise, worry, confusion, and want. Her lips are plump from the searing kiss, "Danny, are you s-"

"See you later." He walks into the house, leaving a very confused and worried Linda to drive to the hospital. 

Danny has it all figured out- he’s going to shoot himself in the head. Maybe in the heart, that could possibly be quicker. He grabs his off-duty gun from the lock box in the closet, and puts it on the coffee table. He walks into the kitchen and opens a drawer, pulling out a pad. 

He sits down at the coffee table, sighing, thinking about what to write. 

‘Linda,  
I love you, baby, so much. You're every thing I could've asked for and more. Which is why I'm going to tell you this...... I don't see the point to this anymore. Why should I have to live when I don't feel like it? When all I see is darkness and death, what's the point? So I'm just going to stop it all before it gets worse.   
I love you with all I am, to the moon and back, and all those other sappy romantic things you love to hear.‘ 

Ten minutes pass since he wrote the note. Fifteen minutes go by, then twenty, then an hour. By the time the hour goes by, he is in tears, and he hates it. *Why can't I do it? Why do I deep down want to live when I don't even see a point?*

With the gun in his hand, Danny walks to the kitchen where his phone is sitting on the counter. He dials the number he know by heart, the number he can say in my sleep. Her voice, that sweet heavenly voice, filters through the phone. 

"Hi, babe."

He doesn’t say anything. 

"Danny?" Silence. "Danny, are you okay?" More silence. "Danny? Honey? What's wrong? Should I come home?"

"Come," my voice is tight with raw emotion, tears coming fast. "Please. I ne- come. Please. I need you." He doesn’t care if he’s begging at this point. 

"I'm coming. Stay right there." 

*********** 

Linda walks through the front door, not knowing what to expect. She stops dead in her tracks when she sees the gun in his hand.

Danny sees her eyes shift from worry and confusing to pure white fear. He hangs his head, the tears have finally subsided, but now he feels like he wants to throw up.

“Danny,” Linda walks slowly to him, standing about an arm’s length away. “Give me the gun.” She holds out her hand and is surprised to see him give it up so quickly.

He watches her put it away, then kneel down next to him. Her hands are warm on his knees. 

“Danny, what-“

She never finishes her question, because he pulls her into a kiss. A kiss that is a desperate cry for help. She lets him do what he wants at this point, which is why she found herself being almost frantically stripped of her uniform.

Somewhere in Danny’s brain, the signals are crossing and messing up. He needs to feel his wife suddenly, as if to see if she really will be his life line. They’re screwing each other up the stairs, bumping heads and elbows on walls and banisters. But it doesn’t matter; Danny needs this, and Linda will give it to him.

************

When Danny opens his eyes, it’s well past lunch time. How long has he been sleeping? Better question, how long did he make love to his wife? He looks over to her, and smiles for the first time in a while. Gosh, he loves her more than words can say. He frowns just then, seeing all the possessive, angry marks he left. His fingers trail them, making her smile.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“Let’s not worry about me,” Linda rolls closer to him, hugging him tightly. “They’ll be gone in a few days. Let’s worry about you. And if you say ‘Linda, I’m fine’, I’ll kill you myself.”

“I’m not fine,” he finally admits. “I’m really not fine.”

“So what’re you going to do about it?” She kisses his chest, silently encouraging him.

“I need help.”

“That’s the first step- always admitting you need help. I unfortunately can’t give you the help you need.”

“I know,” he rubs her arm lazily, glad she hasn’t yelled at him for being so stupid.

“Good. Tomorrow, I’ll call off work, and you and I will figure this out.”

“So.... you’re not upset?”

“Of course I’m upset. But you don’t need me yelling and screaming lectures and rants at you. You need calm. And we’re going to discuss it like calm, rational, civilized adults. But only after one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Give me a bath.”

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, the title is from Buffy The Vampire Slayer’s musical episode, Once More With Feeling, from the song Something To Sing About
> 
> I also thought this deserved an M rating, because suicide is a T matter.


End file.
